Laura's Thoughts on Life

New Chapter

2006-11-07T23:54:00.000-07:00

Let's just say, that for the readers of this blog, a new chapter has started in my life and I will most likely not be posting on here quite as often as I have in previous years. I am happy, I am growing with God and following his lead, I look forward to the years ahead of me with no regrets and praise for God for many things - including you (I don't know if you read this, but if you do, you know who you are). So maybe, depending on which way God's plan moves, maybe I'll be starting a new blog with a completely different purpose than just a rant box. I'll check the comments here once in a while, but email me. Drop me a line and let me know what is going on.

So thank you to all of you who have been reading this over the last two years, for those that have commented and those who have put their two cents of help into whatever situation I was dealing with. God is a great God and I know that the plans He has for me, now and in the future, are going to be great ones. See you all around hopefully!

It's kinda funny...

2006-10-12T21:32:00.000-06:00

I've been reading in Ecclesiastes lately and it's funny how God will show you what he wants you to know. You'd think he knew exactly what he had planned for your life or something... haha, oh if only he would let us in on that plan once in a while :)

A week ago I wasn't sure what God was trying to tell me, then things started changing, and it was almost like God was telling me to hold on and wait - he has a point. So I'm waiting. Those who know me know that this is a difficult lesson for me to learn, so if I get impatient, stop me and remind me that God has perfect timing - and all else is meaningless.

Patience has never really been my strong suit when it comes to my life - children I can deal with. As I said to one of the kids I work with "I can sit here and wait with you all day - I have the patience of Ghandi". So what if he's 8 and I'm not quite sure he knew what I was getting at - the other aids loved it. However, patience when it comes to planning my own life - not so great. So guess what, God has decided that it's time to learn that lesson - and he's using the one thing that generally I can get pretty freaked out about if I'm not careful. So bear with me people, it's lesson learning time.

And here I thought I was done with school :P

Oh how the time flies...

2006-10-09T16:26:00.000-06:00

Well my friends, it has been a long time since I wrote here and I do apologize for ignoring it. It has been an upwhirl of activity these past few months. I was sitting with a friend and his family when it hit me how much has changed in the last few years. In September 2003, a scared 18 year old girl stepped off the plane in Edmonton and ventured into a whole new world. Today, over three years later, my life has changed significantly - I am not the same person, in many different ways, and I don't know where the time has gone.

Ever notice that on road trips, the driver misses all the funny stuff along the way cause they are focusing on the road? I find life is a lot like that. When we try to be the professional driver, we miss all the cool sights and experiences along the side of the road cause we can't take our eyes off the road for fear of crashing. But if you let God take care of the driving and just sit down to enjoy the conversation and the sights during the trip, it's so much more relaxing. It has been over a year since I gave my life to Christ and stopped trying to control the world and everything in it. I have learned a lot, and changed even more since then, but it doesn't feel like it's been that long. I've met some really fantastic people and have really found my place within the family and ministries at Church on 99. I've even learned how to make lattés at 9910!! The people I have met over the last year have become part of my family, and I cherish them. I know that God is going to do some pretty awesome things and I look forward to really being a part of that.

Growing up and getting started with my career is another thing that has changed over the last few years. I came out here thinking that I was going to teach highschool math (I know some of you are laughing), but God had other plans for my life. Working with the kids that I do is one of the most amazing things I have ever done. I may be extremely tired, but I love what I do. It's strange to be out in the world, and it took some getting used to, but it's nice to be able to spend a weekend spending time with friends and family and not have to worry about studying for midterms, that's for sure :) (sorry guys). Life is starting and although I don't know where I am going, I know that it's going to be great.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to help you and not to harm you" ~ Jer. 29:11

Lots of things will be happening over the next few months, and hopefully I will be able to find the time to write things down. The weeks are just flying by and before you know it, it will be Christmas time and then 2007... wow. I still can't believe it. I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving weekend and I wish you all the best this holiday. Be thankful, for we have much!

Oh the fun....

2006-07-09T21:35:00.000-06:00

Wow, it has been a while since I updated this baby. I have been quite busy, I assure you. But, school is done, work has begun, and life continues to be fun and games .... literally. I am working with the City of Edmonton for the summer as a Rec Tech and spend my days playing with children at a local playground, programming fun outdoor activities for them rain or shine. I quite enjoy it! I am awaiting one more piece of my application package and then it is off to Edmonton Public School Board (Happy now Myles :P) and I am looking forward to working here in Edmonton. As for the rest, we had the exec retreat for mixed chorus this weekend and it is looking like an awesome year (if you aren't in it already and you live in Edmonton - Audition!!!, if you are in choir - convince a friend to audition - especially if they are a man....)

I don't really have much else to say .... but here's a riddle anyways .... cause I am having fun with these....

A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

Hehe ... have fun!

Holly House Wife ... with an attitude

2006-05-29T20:48:00.000-06:00

I was recently having a discussion with a friend of mine about not being a typical "put-me-in-a-dress-and-I'm-happy-careful-don't-break-my-nails" girl. The thing is, when you stick me in a house, I'm all about domesticity - most at peace when baking or trying a new recipe to feed a bunch of people. I'm happy at home - and no ladies, it isn't a crime, just sort of anti-feminism. I admit, I like to cook, I love to bake cookies, I love hosting people in my home. There isn't anything wrong with that. It's just not my only hobby :) So here's the debate. Why is it that women who like adventure, being outside and traveling feel that they can't have the best of both worlds?? My friend said to me, and I quote:

"Laura, you have to choose. You can either see the world or settle down, but you cannot have both. It's just not possible."

So my question, who says we nomads can't have both? I mean, we're young and if we can work abroad and experience the world, won't we just have more neat stories to tell the hypothetical grandchildren over a campfire on some hiking trip when we're in our 60's or 70's? So to all my fellow women out there who think they need to squelch their dreams of seeing the world, experiencing adventure, AND having a family to boot ... I say: go for it anyways! Enjoy the time of no responsibilities and then one day when you do decide that you are ready to start a family, raise them to be adventurers as well - take them camping, on canoe trips, travelling to far away places (even if it's just a trip to the coast .... haha); take them with you on your adventures.

To you who think that it can't be done:

Watch us :)

Something New ...

2006-05-16T20:35:00.000-06:00

So after some contemplation over the last little while I have made a list of things that I need to try and do this summer ... afterall, summer only comes around every 10 months so why not give it a try

1) Get out and meet some new people. Megan (YAY MEGAN!) and I are going to get out and do something, meet some new people and make some new friends.

2) I am going to learn how to play my guitar - OFFICIALLY. I even spoiled myself with the music for my favourite movie to entice me just that much more. I probably won't be able to start this for a while, but I am determined to get her going this summer.

3) With this whole graduating thing, it is official. No more monkey business. I am officially an adult. But I have dreams and with school out of the way I can start planning for them. For starters, I am going to Europe in 2008 and this summer I am going to buy me a map of Europe - first I have to find one of course, but that shouldn't be too too difficult. This has been a dream of mine for a long time and although it is still two years away, I do have loans to pay off and jobs to get, but I'm pretty responible when it comes to that stuff and I have faith that over the next two years, God will provide me with the ability to see this dream come true.

You don't want to hear about the rest of them, but those are the biggies. Any ideas or suggestions on seeing my dreams come true, be sure to let me know. Have a fantastic long weekend everyone!

A window into the world of Laura ...

2006-04-26T22:36:00.000-06:00

So much has been happening lately, and yet, nothing has changed ... haha ... ain't life grand! This time tomorrow I will be with my FAMILY!! That's right, the Freeland's are coming to Edmonton! Run now while you still can .... haha. I can't wait to have my family here for 11 days. I have so much planned and so much that I want to do with them that I don't even have time for (guess they'll just have to come back!). Most of you who are in and around the city usually will most likely not get to meet them since you're all leaving me that week to go home or go on tour (TOUR 06 is gonna rock the house people! - and I'll see you on Skit Night!). But if you are here and want to spend some time with the people that may answer that ever so pressing question - why on earth is Laura as crazy as she is - you are more than welcome to gimme a shout and find out what we're up to (I know Settler's will be played on the Wednesday, and there will be a luncheon to celebrate me - well, my grad - on the Friday).

I miss my family, I am at home in Edmonton but it is still strange not having them around all the time. I have found where I fit, and although it will never be the same without them around all the time, I am so happy out here in the west and I can't imagine life any other way right now. With summer right around the corner for most you, I do hope I get to see you a little more often ... and for those of you like me who are wondering what that whole summer feeling is like, we're almost there!! June 12th ... that's my big day ... done.

I'm bouncing off the walls, and yet I am soo tired. Fill y'all in after they leave!!

Tears and Pain

2006-04-16T23:37:00.000-06:00

You don't read this and since you won't listen to me when I talk, maybe the world will listen to me when I write.

It hurts. I can't get to sleep through the tears. I miss you, and you don't even care; which you proved tonight when I asked you to talk and the sound of your voice really didn't want to. You may think I'm selfish, you may think I'm stupid, but we were once close, why wouldn't I want to spend time with you.

You don't think that my feelings are legitimate. That's fine. It doesn't change the fact that this is how it is and it's based on events.

Yes, it has been easier for me to just avoid you this week, mostly because I have trained myself over the years to ignore rejection. Who doesn't? When someone becomes excluded and unwanted they move on, or at least try too. But this is too hard, I don't want to let you go, even though clearly, you have already let go of me.

You may be in something new, but what ever happened to growing old and sharing stories, us, yeah we knew there would be others in the picture, but why do they need to come between what we had once? We won't ever have that again will we? I hate that feeling.

I wish I could let you go as easily as you have let me go, but as I sit up at night wondering what went wrong and why we changed, I can only come up with one reason. And unfortunately you won't like that reason very much.

I miss you, more than you know, more than you most likely care, but I will always be here. When you fall and need someone to catch you, I'll be there. Just so long as you let me back in. (Which means not minimizing my feelings into stupidity and selfishness). I may not usually act like your typical girl, but for some reason, losing you has made me more like a girl than I knew was in me.

Sorry for waking you, I won't do it again.

Change bites (along with some other related thoughts)

2006-04-09T22:24:00.000-06:00

All those quotes about change being good and sign of growth may be true, but it doesn't mean that it sucks any less. Ok, so I'm 21 and officially an adult who will be done school in 2 months and two days, but why does that mean that everything needs to change.

Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever....
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark

It feels like everyone is growing up around me and I can't seem to move past something, like there's something in my way from going there with them. Stories from back East of friends having careers, kids, lives. Watching people here change before my very eyes, or at least in the general vicinity of my existence, grow apart, move on.

I don't care if I break down
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die just a little
I've become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be

Sometimes it's like you're searching for something that isn't there, like something is missing and everyone else seems to have found it but you. I know that isn't true, I know I'm not the only one in that boat, but seriously, everyone around me seems to be at that point and I can't get there. I know that there is more to it, I know that I am not quite where I am supposed to be. But where does one begin looking.

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Time. It can be a blessing or it can go the other way. We don't have much of it down here. A friend recently said it quite well "I can't promise that I'll be here in 5 minutes". I've lost some good friends over the years, whether or not I will see them again one day I don't know, but losing Kale, Leah, Stephen, and Stacey's friend Jonothan have taught me that we don't know how long we have on this earth. So why do we take for granted what is right in front of us. Our society has this "oh we can do it later" mentality, but really, now is all we've got. You might not be able to have tomorrow. You don't know that. So why do we allow change to destroy the present? We don't know if we will have the time to fix it later. Think about it. It seems kind of ridiculous, and I don't think we should live with regrets, but wouldn't you like to be proactive in that rather than having to think about it after the fact? Live life so there is no chance of regret.

I went sky diving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull names FuManChu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said someday I hope some day you get the chance
To live like you were dying

It's hard to watch people around you change and not be able to go there with them. But maybe one day things will be back to normal. I can only hope, but for now. I still think change bites.

I could never leave you, even if you asked me to
I could never say goodbye and make you cry
I could never stumble with you walking by my side
I could never love you more than I already do
So don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't lie and tell me that you're gonna stay
Please don't walk away

Journalling to peace

2006-04-01T16:25:00.000-07:00

Writing has always been an outlet that makes me feel better, it could be poetry, it could be an article, or simply just journalling my thoughts down on paper. It's been a week and a half since I received some really scary and disturbing news from home, and two weeks today since it happened, and I think I am finally ready to write about it. I'm not sure who reads this, but when you read the story below, I want you to think not only of your own actions, but what you can do to share this story with others. It's scary, and even though someone thinks it'll never happen to them, it might, they may be the driver or maybe the passenger, but it might.

You never think it will happen to you.

On March 18, 2006 around 1am Stephen Taylor, only 21 years old, died. He was a friend, a brother, a son, a grandson, and many other things. Stephen and I met in elementary school, we hung out with different crowds, but one weekend when I was in grade 7 we ended up at the same party. We started hanging out at school more and we became fast friends. His sister did not like me at all, she was one of those "too cool for you" kids that didn't really like anyone who hung out outside of her circle, but none the less, I never felt welcomed when I'd head over to his house, so he would sneak out his back yard gate and we'd walk to school together or head down to the waterfront. We 'dated' for a while, but in the end, I went to high school and he finished off at Duffins. We remained friends, he was, after all, a really good guy and I enjoyed hanging out with him. High school went on, I graduated and moved to Alberta, and most of our contact was made when I visited home. The last time I talked to him, he seemed really happy and could tell that I'd done a lot of growing while I was here in Edmonton. I flew back home to Alberta without another thought about it. But then again, when do you ever think that a conversation will be your last.

It was St. Patrick's Day, and like pretty much every other adult, Stephen was celebrating. How much he had to drink that night, I do not know. What I do know is that when Stephen left the party that night, he got behind the wheel of his truck and started driving. He lost control of his truck and hit a cement hydro pole. Stephen didn't make it home that night.

There are so many things that could have changed the outcome of that night. I still have so many questions, but Stephen knew better, he knew that you shouldn't drink and drive. I guess Stephen thought he was okay to drive, that he was still sober enough. HE WASN'T. You never think that you'll be the next statistic. You never think you'd get behind that wheel. Why didn't anyone stop him? He was only 21, that is too young to die.

You never think it will happen to you. You say "I'd never do that". But so did he. Think about it, right now. Make a plan. Planning to drink, don't even hold on to your keys. Even if it's just one. Give them to a friend. Crash at a house for the night if no one can drive you home, but I plead with you, don't make the same mistake that Stephen did. It hurts so many people. And the scariest part is that it didn't have to happen. One simple bad choice, and we've lost a friend, a brother, a son, and a good guy who always made people smile.

Only time will tell....

2006-03-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

Time moves on, people grow, relationships change, and somewhere amongst all of this we try to have the life we thought we'd always wanted. And then God says, "wait a minute, this is the road I want you to go down" and we can do one of two things: 1) say "but I want to do this, this is my dream and I think this is what you want me to do with my life" or 2) say "Well, since you created me in the first place, you know me better than I know myself, so ok, take me down that path." Last year I made a decision to start down a different path, a path where I could actually make a difference in people's lives. I think God knew I would finally surrender my life to him and that it was finally time to get me on the right track. This week, I was listening and two words changed my entire perspective on where I want to take my career. It will change everything, but I am so incredibly excited about the possibilities before me that I can't stop smiling. Finishing school at MacEwan this year will start me in the right direction. I'll be working and then as soon as I can afford it, I will be going back to school part-time by correspondance. It may mean that my student loans will take longer to pay off, but I know that if I am right and this is what I am supposed to be doing, He'll give me the money to do it. So here we go, on the rollercoaster of life. Pay attention people, you never know when He might be speaking to you or when he'll surprise you. But really, when it comes down to it, I think it was deep down inside all along.

Life has a way of showing you what it wants you to do

2006-03-10T14:40:00.000-07:00

So today I finally got to go for an appointment with my RMT, and as I haven't been to see her in two months, it was definitely needed. However, today when we were talking, she picked up on something I said and my reaction to it and completely floored me. It's funny how people can pick up on our emotions better than we can ourselves, but this one was increasingly different than many others I've heard in the past, cause this one reflected more on what hasn't happened than what has. I know this is cryptic, but maybe next time I'll be able to write more, for now, let's reflect on how well other people know us, and how surprised we can be at what we've been hiding from ourselves. The honest truth is that she was right, and although I don't know if what she was predicting will ever happen, it's good to know that someone thinks it should, even if right now, I'm not even sure I do.

Haha, now that I've confused the lot of ya, let's make this a sharing opportunity. Share with us a time when someone read your thoughts or actions and picked up on something that you hadn't allowed yourself to think before.

It's time ....

2006-02-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

There are songs that tend to define lives, at least when music is such a part of your life as it is in mine. Many of you have probably never heard of The Exies, but I quite enjoy some of their songs, this one in particular has managed to describe my thoughts for a while now, and since I've decided it is time to move past them, I thought I would finally share this phenomenal song with all of you. Check out the link above if you want to hear more of their stuff.

Where did I go wrong, can't look you in the eye, feeling so ashamed, feels like I could die. Hold me up, don't let go, I've had enough. I'm tired of breathing, tired of feeling, tired of looking at the past for meaning, tired of running, tired of searching, tired of trying, but I'm not tired of you. Losing everything, it's something I cant face, hope is on the run, it's something I cant fake. Hold me up, don't let go, I've had enough. I'm tired of breathing, tired of feeling, tired of looking at the past for meaning, tired of running, tired of searching, tired of trying, but I'm not tired of you. I want to feel a change, I don't mind if it hurts, you take away the pain, you're the only thing that's pure.

No day but today

2006-02-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of stuff on my mind lately, and not really a lot of time to do anything about it. But I wanted to encourage some people out there, even though I have no idea who actually reads my little rants here every now and then.

There are opportunities in life where we get to make a choice between what we want and what is 'good' for us. Sometimes we choose the right one and sometimes we choose the wrong one, but the thing to remember is that the choice that is 'good' for us, may be the wrong one. I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's ok. If there is something in your life that you really want, make that decision and go for it!! Don't sit by and watch the decision be made for you, don't let other people decide what is good for you! Decide for yourself. The only problem with this whole philosophy is that it's difficult to see whether getting what we want outweighs the whole "it'll be good for you" scenario. So here are some things to think about when trying to weigh the possibilities:

will it kill you? (spiritually, physically)
will it seriously harm someone else?
is it illegal?
is there something in the pit of your stomach telling you to run in the other direction?

If the answers to the above questions are all "No, oh my goodness, never!" Then I say go for it, cause no matter what people say about the whole "it's never too late" ISN'T TRUE! I know, I know, your whole world has come to a crashing halt, but it's true, sometimes it is too late to do anything about your dream, or say something to that one person. You only have today, so live it like you don't have tomorrow!

Such a good read....

2006-01-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

Below are exerts from an article I read today online. Parts are hilarious, and others are ohhh so true. Take a read, and if you want to read the whole thing, clickon the link below...

"Do you think it's wrong for a guy to initiate one-on-one time with a woman when he has no intentions with her?" I asked.

My friend paused, savoring the question. "I think," he said, "if a woman wants something to be there, she's going to see something there." His buddies smirked knowingly.

"But don't you think seeking her out and spending time with her encourages it?" I prodded.

"She's the one who's choosing to view that as special treatment," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "It's her interpretation."

"Can you tell when a girl's interested in you?"

"Usually."

"Then why would you lead her on like that?"

"She's free to say no anytime. Until then, I'll assume she's OK with it."

By "OK," I guessed he meant the girl could handle it emotionally.

His buddies slapped him on the back. "That's right," one of them piped up. "Women are always going to read into something. If you catered to it, you'd have to give up female friends completely."

......

Unfortunately, even if the guy senses the woman's interest, he has not made a direct offer to her and therefore feels no obligation to clear up the matter. Maybe we could chalk that up to communication differences between men and women: a man may be oblivious to unspoken signs that he has been placed in the "future husband" category. What he may be viewing as an innocent dinner, she sees as an indication that the friendship is developing into more. But men should assume that if a woman is spending a lot of time with him, she is interested and she is investing her emotions. (I suspect men realize this more often than they'll admit, but hold onto these ego-boosting relationships anyway.)

......

Oh how true it is, and let me tell you, the article says more, so if you wanna take a gander, click HERE. Hope you're all having a great week, I look forward to seeing some discussion on this...

Welcome back

2006-01-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

Another brand new year with brand new expectations and brand new opportunities. You never really know what there is around the corner, but we all try to predict it, to make it happen, to anticipate either the worst or the best. Some people name these expectations resolutions. I'm not such a fan of that word, it holds a great deal of negativity. People's resolutions are rarely successful, they depend on too many things, too many to count. And since we all have dreams that we want to fulfill, why would we automatically sabotage it by attaching it to such a horrible word. But I digress.

There are a great deal of things I am looking forward to this year, not the least of which is graduating - June 12th is going to be a fantastic day! I'm really looking forward to that, no question about it. Then of course there is also starting my life after school .... but that'll be a story for a whole other day.

While you look forward to the upcoming year, waiting for that opportunity to come, or that expectation to be fulfilled, keep in mind that you never know what is just around the corner, around the bend, or behind the next door.

Have a fantastic year my friends, and keep an eye here for what I hope to be some good stories this year.

So what do you do....

2005-12-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I've been so excited about coming home for weeks now. Day one was nice, except for the whole misplaced baggage fiasco, but I got it the next day so I can't comlain too much, but I'm only on what, day four? And I'm already bored out of my tree. No one else is here, like I said, this isn't really a town that you leave, however two things do tend to happen.... 1) For those who leave Ajax they never come back so that they can maintain their sanity and 2) For those who stay, they never grow up past grade 12 and so we don't have anything in common anymore. Spending time with the family is good and all, but I'm left at home alone all day and the only other friend here who lives within the 1 hr radius from my home is working. And so the countdown now begins to when I come home to Edmonton. Which I have finally told my parents is going to be my home for quite some time. Sorry guys, you're stuck with me. I miss my friends and the routine I have gotten into .... I just miss Edmonton, however, I must make do. So if you are in Ontario and you too are feeling a little out of place in your hometown CALL ME! We can definitely get together and hang out! And for those of you in Alberta, I hope I remember what you look like when I get back :)

Moving on ...

2005-12-16T02:07:00.000-07:00

Well, the time has come for me to move on. Literally. Not only is it Christmas vacation for 3 Weeks but today is the day I move into the house. My life fits awkwardly into a livingroom full of boxes and bags and suitcases, but it's almost done. Just need to take apart my computer and put the final laundry in the suitcase before the crazy friends I have and love show up to help me move in the morning. So if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I am either moving, or at home for Christmas. I love you all, stay safe and I'll see you all soon again.

If you're in Ontario - New Years at Nathan Phillips Square, drop me a line and I'll fill you in!

Merry Christmas!

I give up

2005-11-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

It's hard to walk around every day wondering why and trying to figure out what you did wrong. I'm not sure why things are the way they are, but for some reason talking is out of the question. Why you may ask, I don't know. I wish I did. I'm not one to give up easily, and I think that's why I made it this far, but when I needed to talk, I was ignored or blown off. I have other people, but at the time it wasn't them I needed. I walk away now cause I'll cry if I do anything else. I don't like to say goodbye, but if I have to, I will. I won't like it at all, but I will. I hate giving up on people, give me a sign and I won't, but then again, how long will that last? Till the next time I'm given up on? Till the next time being busy is an excuse to not be there when needed? Or will this one be for real this time? It's happened before, I don't want it to happen again. Why is this happening again? I'm sorry if it was something I did, or something I said, but I honestly don't know what it was. I almost wish it was just as easy for me to give up on this.

Cleaning out the cobwebs

2005-11-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

Being a packrat is almost a hereditary characteristic in my family. My parents don't throw things out, and I have a hard time with that too.... the whole, you never know when you might need it one day concept. I discovered over 300 messages in my sent folder this evening and told myself it was time to delete a number of the messages on my system or risk a computer overload. The thing is, as I looked through the messages, I started reading parts of my life that I hadn't quite finished with yet. There were emails to a guy that I liked, emails to friends from highschool who I haven't seen since I left Ontario, thank you messages sent to people after my accident, business emails, get well emails, letters to friends who were getting married, and a host of other ones. With some of them, particularly the ones that held something special to me, I had trouble deleting, and I'm not gonna lie, they are still there. So here's the question, why delete them? They are a part of who I am, the part I am not quite ready to let go of. Whether the recipient has filed my email away or deleted after reading (and sometimes replying), this packrat just can't seem to part with them. Maybe it's cause I'm not so sure I'm done with whatever part of me that message represented, or maybe I'm just not good at getting rid of things. Either way, apparantly emptying your sent items folder is a philisophical experience that should not go unoticed. So, what have I learned from this? I am a fool. Well, that's only part of it. I need to learn to let go of things no matter how much I tell myself not to. I'm slightly crazy, I know, I mean if someone started telling me all about this little revelation in their life just from cleaning out the cobwebs in their outlook, I'd be pretty worried too. So take a look at the emails you have sent over the last few months (some of mine I had left from last winter, yes that was almost a year ago) you never know what part of you you might find lurking in those folders. Or maybe it's just waiting for you to remember it's there and it's not gonna go away.

Funny story... NOT

2005-10-19T18:30:00.000-06:00

So someone needs to explain the mind of a 20 something guy to me, cause, well, I JUST DON'T GET YOU GUYS!

Story:

So I was volunteering at school, pretty casual, just chilling and informing people and there was this really cute guy at another table... there were smiles and flirtacious glances then he decided to come over and chat with me for a bit. Let's cut this short and say it was good .... and then I went, with a smile on my face, to lunch with a friend: where I find out that he had a girlfriend! K, so I'm not so heartbroken over this guy but STILL!

Explain to me how a guy can flirt with a girl, make her think he is interested and then either run in the opposite direction or be a complete fraud. And you guys think we're confusing .... geesh!

And I still remember everything ....

2005-09-27T08:23:00.000-06:00

Haha, last night was amazing! Thanks for a great birthday everyone. I have officially decided that the Mongolie Grill is my new favourite restaurant, and Earl's .... well, let's just say I'm never gonna have tequila again. It burns! But I had so much fun! It was so awesome to have everyone out last night, and yes, you all have succeeded in me being hungover for brunch this morning <>. So for those of you who weren't around last night, let me tell you a funny story.

Dinner at Mongolie Grill was fun, some Lister people, a lot of choir people, it was REALLY good times. Mike got his free beer, I got free cake and a very embarrassing happy birthday song, and then it was off to Starbucks and on to Earl's. That was when the party got intoxicated ... oh wait, that was just me. It started off pretty tame, margaritas (only to find out later that mine was a double .... Angela :P), and then Ryan decided to play mean .... that's right .... a Prairie Fire .... the rest of the evening was sooo much fun, it was really cool to see people from different parts of my life hanging out and having fun (although they did tend to segregate themselves around me). It's not often that Lister and UAMC party together, but oh how much fun it was!! After numerous drinks and a slightly spiny room, me and a few others went in search of the Maple Tree. We found it, I brought home leaves and took a picture, not sure if it'll turn out as it was like 11pm or something like that, and then Lia and Phil and I went to Wendy's/ Tim Horton's .... and I didn't know the 5-0 officers in there (too bad). Up to the apartment we went and then I woke up on the couch and went to my bedroom. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I had left Lia on my couch .... haha, sorry sweetie!! I love you! And I'm actually doing surprisingly well this morning, only slightly queezy. Yay for my res life friends who make me drink water and eat fries and donuts ... now I just need to survive brunch : .

Anyways, you guys are amazing, thanks for a great birthday! Can't wait to celebrate again next year!

Getting back on my feet ... in more ways than one

2005-09-13T10:20:00.000-06:00

So, it's been a week and a half since the accident and I'm still working at getting back to normal. At least I'm up to a normal walking pace now. But ya know what, this whole thing is still so confusing. I don't remember the accident, just the right before and after. I'm told that's normal, but it's still bugging me. I have learned two very important lessons though: 1. I have some really amazing friends who have been there for me the whole time (you guys are phenomenal and I don't know what I'd do without you) and 2. Sometimes you just need to ask for help. If you didn't know how crucial it was to have full range of motion in your arm allready, trust me on this one, there's still things I can't do (like lifting, making my bed, cooking and dishes.... need I go on). But I'm starting to learn to ask for help when I need it and that, I think, is a good thing.

For those of you who have been there in one way or another over the last 11 days, thank you so much. I love you guys, thank you for everything.

This song has brought on some new meaning due to these recent events, I think you'll like it:

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

Best Weekend of My Life ... NO LIES

2005-08-22T13:30:00.000-06:00

Yes, I said it ... best weekend of my life! It all started on Friday morning when I got on the bus (dear God that was early ... 6:45am). After only a two hour nap, I hopped on the bus and was on my way to Abbotsford! Trust me when I tell you that long bus rides give you a ton of time to think about things that have happened, opportunities that have been passed up, friendships, goals, life ... I'm not sure if the smell of burning was coming from my brain or the fact that BC is apparantly best known for its grow-ops... anyways... 15 hours and one stolen camera later, I made it! And then began the amazing 2 day vacation that was ... operation Michael!

Saturday began very early as we drove into Vancouver for a sightseeing morning. We went to Jericho Beach and I got to play in the ocean and collect shells, then we were off to Stanley Park where Janaya and I played tourist (well, she played, cause I definitely was one). Pictures were taken, signs were read, fun was of utmost importance, and we had an absolute blast. Then it was off to Granville Island! It was really neat, all these little art studios, restaurants, and a marketplace! That's right, I got some fresh smoked salmon ... and I am sooo enjoying it. After the island, it was off to TGIF for dinner and then ..... hold on, this deserves a drumroll ..... the Michael Bublé concert in Deer Lake Park. The single most amazing evening of my life to date. The concert was fantastic. We were sooo close, just ask and I'll show you the pictures. I didn't want the night to end, it was such a rush. You think he's awesome on the cd? You NEED to see him perform live ... heart racing ... taking a breath ... ok.

Sunday we slept in a bit, then headed back to Vancouver to do some more touristy things. We went downtown and got on the Seabus to go see Lansdale Quay. The Seabus was neat ... it got me out on the water, too bad it didn't have an open air deck though :) Anyways, off to the market to check it out, we had a picnic lunch on what I believe was a warf, and then back onto the bus and off to Gastown. Gastown was soo beautiful with the cobblestone/ brick work roads, and the steam clock ... some shopping and picture taking, and then back to the car to head back to Abbotsford! Best $5 dinner ever (salmon and corn on the cob) and then back on the bus. Another 15 hours later, I'm home in Edmonton, and am already missing the ocean and the mountains. Janaya, thanks for an ABSOLUTELY amazing weekend in Vancouver!! Oh my, still on the high from the concert ... probably will be for a while ... and I KNOW you're jealous.

Ever just have one of those days??

2005-08-15T23:15:00.000-06:00

So, life is pretty unpredictable isn't it? I like to think of it as a bit of a rollercoaster. Ups and downs, slower sections, faster sections ... sections that just make you scream. Over the past few days I've definitely been on one of those faster sections where you're not sure when you might fall as you're hanging upside down with all the blood rushing to your head.
So much has happened in the last two days and although I'm still working through some of it, I know I have people around me to talk to. Thank you for that guys. You have no idea what it means that I can just sit there.

Enjoy the roller coaster my friends. This is what life is all about, feeling things: pain, love, friendship, happiness. Live for it, and occasionally take a glance at the person riding along side you and smile cause they are the ones who will stick by you on the scary parts.

Things you can count on ... and things you can't

2005-08-08T13:09:00.000-06:00

In life there are isn't really a lot that you can count on. God is really the only one that I can one hundred percent say has never failed me. I may have screwed up a lot on that one, but he has never let me down. I have recently come to the realization that no matter what happens and how much people say that they will always be there for you, or that you can count on them, in the end you really can't. People are human (a scary concept, I know). People screw up, they let you down, they forget things, and all most of the time they generally don't mean it, they will occasionally break your heart. So in knowing this, how does one learn to trust people that constantly let them down? Well, I know I'm not perfect, and I know I make mistakes ... I'm just human. So you forgive, and you move on. You may get to a point where you give up trying cause it's just not worth the effort, but when that happens, don't lock the door. People may surprise you and grow up one day. (HA)

So what am I really saying here. People are human, so they can't be trusted? No. But even those you trust can sometimes let you down. I just hope it's not as often as others. Remember to give people a chance. And those ones that always let you down, without fail, to a point where it's a predictable. Let them go, and let them grow up. Maybe some time without you will smarten them up.

So yeah, it's been a while

2005-07-28T02:27:00.000-06:00

Forgive me for not writing in a while, but well, I haven't been in Alberta. I think everyone pretty much knows that I went home to Ontario, and if you didn't, now you do. The beginning was a lot of fun, congrats to Andrew and Michelle Little! And then I had my 21st birthday party... Only 2 months and 9 days early. That was interesting and only half strange, but I'm a Freeland and I should be used to that kind of oddness by now.

There were however, some more difficult days. The one I write about today was the one that left me in tears. The day I went to camp. Not only did I have to figure out where my heart was at, but I was left with a feeling that can only be described as a huge tear in the fabric of my life. Things got pretty screwed up for me this year and I'm still trying to figure things out, but walking around Adventure camp and talking to the people who know me best made me feel so close to home. I know I suck at the whole keeping in touch thing with most people, and I'm gonna try a little more with that, but it was really hard to say goodbye that night. I moved to Edmonton to escape who I was in Ajax, and I am a different person now, but that doesn't matter to you guys. I'm still Stish (or Stishy if you're name is Scuba and we have a two syllable thing going on...). In all honesty, it made me want to come home to Ontario. But on the same token, I don't know if I can say goodbye to some of the people out here. I don't know if my heart can take it. But we've been over this before.

An interesting thing happened today. I have a choice between staying here for another 5 years because I have to, or choosing where to live (anywhere in the world) after 10 months. So what do you do when an old dream comes true and you're not excited about it. When all you ever wanted to do is right infront of you, and you're not sure you want to take it because there's another plan that you love just as much. Which one is God? And which on is the distraction?

This may not make sense, but if those last few thoughts made something in you say PRAY, then please do. I could use some wisdom and peace right now, and I'm trying to listen, but there are a lot of distractions. It's time for me to go to bed. But if what I have written here has struck you even just a little, if you have any thoughts, write 'em down.

Terrified

2005-07-09T02:56:00.000-06:00

So much is going on. I'm scared. No, I'm terrified. What if something happens and I'm not strong enough. What if I screw up again, what if I can't go through with it all. I have only so much time, and I can't waste my time on screw ups and wishful thinking. I need answers, I need to know, but I don't, and I'm not aloud. I want the security, but I'm scared and I don't know how to get there. I want answers, I just hope that I know the right people to get them from.

Apparently it's about time

2005-07-02T04:05:00.000-06:00

So this morning a friend mentioned that I hadn't updated this little baby in a while ... So to appease him and maybe entice a blog comment from a few people, here we go....

So what's new in the life of Laura?? In two weeks I will be back home in Ontario for just short of two weeks. This trip, along with the fact that I will have finished school and graduated by this point next year, has made me think about home. What is home?? I seem to have so many. I have the home I grew up in, the home I have at a wonderful place in Port Sydney, a home here in Edmonton, and a home that I haven't seen or been to but I know it's there and that one day I'll get to enjoy it for a very long time. You hear people say that "home is where the heart is", but what if you're heart can't make up it's mind. What if I'm torn between two provinces, each of which hold a different part of me, which one is the real me??

This is what happens when I work graves and start thinking when I'm tired.... It's 4am, wow.... But in all seriousness, home has been on my mind a lot lately. This trip is going to give me a bunch of answers to this I think, but it will also probably give me about a hundred more questions about it as well. So bear with me, and hey, a little bargaining and reminding of why I love the place you're in (whether it be Ontario, Alberta, or somewhere else I wouldn't mind calling home) wouldn't be turned down ... haha, encouraging bribes, not sure that's a good thing.

This is getting long, so I'm gonna leave it for now ... Hope you're all enjoying your summer!

Dreams coming true

2005-06-24T19:52:00.000-06:00

As most of you know, in late April I came to a tough realization that I wasn't going to be a teacher, at least not now. I felt like my dreams were shattered, the only thing I wanted to do was work with kids in the classroom. And then something happened. I thought about what my dream really was, and when it came down to it, the dream was the children, the difference, not the job. So when someone wants to make a difference, and work with children who have special needs, what do they do??

Today I received a phone call, for the first time in two years I have felt complete relief, and a peace about what I am doing with my Education. The phone call was from the coordinator of the Special Needs Education Assistant Program at Grant MacEwan College. I got in. By this time next year I will be finishing up my 2nd practicum, writing my last final, and applying for a job with a school board.

See, even when you least expect it, dreams can still come true, it's just a matter of figuring out what that dream is.

Starting Over ...

2005-06-19T23:51:00.000-06:00

For starters ... Thank you ... you know who you are, and I appreciate the talk more than you know.

Life is funny, ya know. Just when things seem to be all figured out, you realize that the one thing you thought you'd never let go of has slipped out of your reach and you're not sure how to get it back. Especially when this one thing is something that used to drive your life. I'm not really sure when it happened, but I think I've been faking it for a while. I need to feel connected again, I need that fire to be start burning again, I just don't know how to get to that point again, what I can do to start over. I need to start over.

So for those of you who understand this latest message. Keep me accountable to these words. Prayer, encouragement, and a whole lot of strength will get me through, and hopefully I will come out on top.

I don't know how I got here, but it's time for me to get out.

Putting the pieces together

2005-06-10T01:15:00.000-06:00

People have been giving me some really encouraging advice, help, assurances, etc. over the last little while. It's true, you never know what you have till you almost lose it. I don't know what is going to happen with the whole Ontario thing, but those of you who said it (and you know who you are) were right. It'll take time, not mine but God's, prayer, and a lot of trust. With time I know that I can develop that strength (not on my own, but with help) and I just hope that whatever happens, that you'll all still be there when I come out of this one. It'll be a while, I have a whole year, and lots can happen in a year. But for now, lets focus on the task at hand: getting through this summer in one piece, and making it into the program at Grant MacEwan.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I have really enjoyed hanging out with friends and such lately. I turned down a lot of random get togethers this year, and I wish I hadn't. You guys are a great bunch of people, and I am sorry if I have neglected you over the year. If I start to do that again, I give you full permission to kidnap me and stuff me in the back of Kristin's car (or Cathy's minivan, either works). You guys keep me grounded and remind me that there is more to life than work and school. Keep it up, and don't let me say no to a night out too often.

So here's to new friends, getting better acquainted with old ones, feeling homesick, and knowing that there are people who care about you no matter where you live. This time around, I want to know what you're thinking: what are you dealing with? what would you toast to? I want to hear someone else talk about stuff - and remember (oh please remember) to sign your name :)

Torn between two worlds

2005-06-05T18:57:00.000-06:00

Why can't everything just work together? Why must I choose? My life has changed so much since I left Ontario back in 2003, and I'm getting used to being out here. There are so many people who have come into my life since I moved here, and I can't imagine them not being around. I know I'm not ready to say goodbye yet (good thing I have a year to make this decision final). I have a new family out here, including people from school, Lister ... choir ... but there's also the life I left back home. The life that I never quite let go of. The life that every time I go home draws me back in. The people, the places, I can't begin to explain.

So what do you do when your worlds can't collide? What do you do when it comes down to leave or stay? What reason is good enough to do either? What can keep me here? And what can take me home?

Got the answers? Or suggestions? Lemme know. Could really use some outside reason here.

Home ... finding something to hold on to

2005-05-31T01:54:00.000-06:00

Another summer day

Is come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two“I’m fine baby, how are you?”

Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane

Another sunny place

I’m lucky I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

But this was not your dream

But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come

And gone away

And even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel alone

Oh, let mr go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I’ve had my run

Baby, I’m done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all right

I’ll be home tonight

I’m coming back home

These words are so passionate ... so true ... if only it were that simple. Don't shut the door, I may not be home tonight, but I'm coming home soon.

This is what happens when you keep me up all night

2005-05-27T08:21:00.000-06:00

So, while I sat outside of Lister on my break this morning, watching the sunrise, I started thinking ( I know, dangerous activity, but hear me out). Somone once said to a friend of mine "Get a low enough score and it'll tell you that the only thing you're good for is to be a garbage-man". For years I've never felt comfortable with that statement, and for a number of different reasons. Think about what life would be like if we didn't have city employees to do our dirty work (literally). These men (and women) get up every morning, and since we are too lazy to do it ourselves, take our garbage out of the city so that we don't have to smell it. Why aren't these amazing staff in our community recognized more often for their work. Think about it for a moment. How different would life really be if there were a few less over paid politicians, high price lawyers, professors .. I could go on but I won't, the point is, it wouldn't make that much of a difference. However, if we lost a few good men (or women) from the garbage collecting teams, that would mean further spaced out collection, smelly garbage bins and streets, and some very unhappy neighbours. Think about it people, where would our city be without the only-slightly-higher-than-minimum-wage early risers such as these guys and many others. Next time someone tells you, or any one for that matter, that the only thing you'd be good for is collecting the trash, remember that it is a noble profession, one that no one in this country wants to live without, and one that requires great men and women to do.

Now it is time for me to go to bed ... have a great day everyone! (And drop a line in the comments with your thoughts on this subject :) )

When reality finds you

2005-05-23T22:40:00.000-06:00

What is reality? According to the dictionary, reality is "The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence" or "That which exists objectively and in fact". I think reality is just that part of your life that kicks you into gear every now and then when you're world has become too idealistic and dreamy.

Reality has been surfacing alot more than usual lately, maybe it's because I'm starting to figure out what I really want in my life, but it could also be because I let myself take a chance, and in doing so, forgot to bring myself back down to reality. I started to think that everything was real. What hurts is that I thought all of this was my reality.

Getting bombarded with the truth is the easy part, the hard part is deciding what to do with that truth. But how do you make a decision when the only thing you have to go on is your dreams, and those have been torn to pieces?? You have faith, you talk to the people whom you trust, and you hope to God that the one you make is the right one.

If this is a dream, I don't want it to end. But I know that it must. Time is precious. That is my reality. I need to discover my reality, I want to. I just hope that I have the strength to let go of the dream if that's really all it is.

Goodbyes are so hard ...

2005-05-01T01:25:00.000-06:00

And here I thought I was doing so well ... It's 1am and I can't sleep for the tears. This year has been so hard at times, and good at others, but to think that it's over already, this is killing me. I know that not all of these goodbyes are forever, but some of them are.

Chris, your friendship this year has been such a blessing! I'm so thankful that God brought you to the UofA this year, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto and Greece before heading back to school in the Fall... maybe one day I'll be able to come and visit you in London. I'm gonna miss you, but I know we'll keep in touch.

Oh my girls, it's been a good year. Janaya, Kari, Ali ... you guys were always there over the past two years, and I don't know what I'm gonna do without you next year, or this summer for that matter. Hopefully I'll see you around campus though.

Keith, there are no words to say. This time last year I couldn't say goodbye with out crying ... this year you'd be proud ... the tears waited till you walked around the corner (mind you they haven't stopped yet ...). It's gonna be weird not having you around, even though we didn't really get to see eachother all that much this year, I knew you were there, and that no matter what happened I could always count on you. You could never be replaced, not in a million years, so you better finish that eight months right quick and get back to Edmonton. I'm really gonna miss you this year, but keep in touch, I promise to be better at that this summer :) Enjoy home! I'll work on my chopstick skills and we'll go back to that restaurant when you come back.

to 7 Schaffer ... I don't think I said this enough : you guys made this floor what it was! It's been so quiet here today, and I don't like it one bit. We had our ups and downs, but in the end, it was a good year. As the whole growing up thing separates us, I wish you guys all the best in wherever fate takes you.

the staff... oh the schaffer staff ... it was fun, and I learned alot from you guys this year. We had one awesome tower, and I'll never forget how awesome it was to work with all of you. Good luck next year!

And for everyone else ... I wish you all the best. Goodbyes suck and I don't do them very well at all. But I hope that our paths will cross again ... and for those of you that I still get to see all the time, I can't wait to see what other ruckus rousing things we can do together.

Here's to sad endings, and new beginnings. I love you all!

Another year gone ...

2005-04-26T19:15:00.000-06:00

Another year has just flown by, I can't believe that I've been living here in Edmonton for two years now .... however, this is just the start of what is looking to be an interesting future.

When I left Ontario in August 2003 I had no idea where God was taking me, or what was going to happen, but I trusted that this was where he wanted me to be, and I took every opportunity to make this place my home (or as much of a home as Lister can be :) ). Leaving my group of close-knit friends (the camp crew ... oh I love you guys) back home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I never thought I would find anything like that here. But alas, I have ... oh dear, last night was soo much fun. I'm really glad you guys finally got me outta here, I promise that much fun will be had this summer! I miss you all back home (if I named you all this would turn into a novel ...), I can't wait to see you in July, and you will always hold a special place in my heart.

God has also taught me a lot about myself this year. For those of you who haven't heard this, it is going to probably be a little surprising, but I'm really looking forward to this. I have decided to leave the University of Alberta and transfer to Grant MacEwan College in downtown Edmonton. Provided I get in to my first choice program, I will be done by June 2006 and if I get hired, in the classroom by the following September. I'll know more about whether or not I have been accepted to the program in late spring/ early summer, but it looks pretty good right now. This decision was a really hard one to make, but a very wise woman reminded me that sometimes out dreams take different roads than we thought they would. ( I love you mom!)

So now it is time to say goodbye to another year , goodbye to friends who are going home. This is probably the last time you'll hear from me until after the UAMC tour, so I hope everyone finishes off well, and has a great start to their summer! Keep in touch, keep me posted, and never forget that change is a really good thing.

Whatever happens, happens

2005-04-18T02:15:00.000-06:00

When someone makes a decision, lives are affected whether they know it or not. When someone decides to get upset and act irrationally, feelings are hurt and the ripple begins. When you decide to open up and explain something very personal to someone and it comes across the wrong way, relationships can be damaged. But when someone decides to risk everything and put their heart on the line, there is no way to predict what is going to happen. Some people say that it's difficult to risk everything by laying it all on the line. I'm one of those people most of the time. But if you don't take that risk, you'll never know what you missed.

If you think you've hurt someone but you don't know why, take that jump, take that first step, cause to be honest, not talking to them SUCKS! And clearing the air makes everyone feel soo much better. You know who you are, I'm so glad that things are back to normal! I'm really happy for you, I just wish I could have been a better friend through it all.

And then there is the fated direct question. You all know what I mean. The one you're afraid to ask for fear of rejection. You go through the whole "What if I'm wrong ... What if ... What if ..." Phase, and then ... You do it. I'm not usually that girl. Many of my friends can attest to that. But sometimes you just need to put yourself out there, and be prepared for any answer. It's tough, don't get me wrong. But anything worth doing isn't going to be easy is it ... Where's the fun in that?! I don't even know if you read this, but if you do ... I've never taken that initial step, but for some reason that I still haven't fully come up with a good explanation for ... Something told me to do it. I'm glad I did :) You know the rest.

I think risks are one of God's greatest mysteries, the same risk taken by one person can be an incredibly positive experience, and yet when taken by another or at another time, can lead to a lot of pain. It's important to remember that when you decide to take a leap of faith, to take that jump, to make sure that it is in His timing. Cause our timing is most likely a little off. If you're ready, take a breath, and jump right in, then whatever happens, happens.

Sesame Street Character .....

2005-04-14T18:10:00.000-06:00

Hey there, I came across my friends blog today and there was a link to discover what sesame street character you are ... so although this is not my typical blog entry ... SO FUNNY!!

Its a bird, no its a plane, no its SUPER GROVER!!You have big dreams but you still are scared of your own shadow. Stop bothering that poor man!
Your Grover! (Click on the line below and find out for yourself...)

What Sesame Street Character Are You?

The good things in life...

2005-04-12T00:40:00.000-06:00

A concerned friend who reads these little tidbits into my life/mind wondered why I hadn't written anything 'happy' in here in a while. Mainly it's because not much has happened in the good department (I mean c'mon it's gettin into finals ....). However, I thought it would be good to let you all know that really I am doin alright ... so what has been happening on the good front lately....

I move into the apartment on May 1st!! We're pretty excited. I'm sure you'll hear much more about that later when it happens. But it's pretty exciting all the same.

Getting a little more involved in choir this year has been great, and I have had the chance to hang out with some pretty cool people, some more than others, and some I'd like to see more of. Seeing as I am staying here for the summer, we'll see what happens.

The year is almost over!! Woot!! I get to go see the ocean, and hopefully I will get a chance to do the whole Alberta thing this summer ... Stampede?? Anyone??

So, I promise that in amongst the thorns there are some really awesome roses developing. And hopefully some of those roses will bloom very nicely. Oh how I love analogies.

when you just can't seem to get it right...

2005-04-09T23:29:00.000-06:00

What do you do when your world starts turning against you. When people stop believing in you and there's nothing you can do about it, there's only one thing TO do. You give up. You stop trying so hard to make things better and you just let the world do its thing. And from previous observation, any effort made against the world ends in physical violence, which is far better than verbal attacks for me, but more effectively halting than the emotional trip. Why does this happen? Because in short, the world doesn't care if you don't have the time, the world doesn't care if you get hurt in the process, the world only cares about itself.

I can't fight back, I don't have the energy. I've got better things to do, like mend broken friendships which actually matter to me, spend time with those I care about before they head off in 3 weeks, and study for finals. If the world wants to turn against me it can. I refuse to play its game. It can do what it wants, but I will not respond. I will not give in. Good luck without me world, I wish you all the best.

There comes a time

2005-04-06T16:24:00.000-06:00

There comes a time in everyones life when they realize how much they can't control what's going on around them. I have had a number of these little revelations, however the biggest one was on Monday.

I haven't had a panic attack in about 6 years, but Monday everything just overtook me. I didn't know what to do anymore. This scared me more than anything, I have been trying to control situations that spiraled well out of control too long ago to even think of being able to grab onto it now. But I can't do that. I can't try and hold on to things that I don't have the right to hold on to. It is not my job to control what happens, it is my job to have faith that things will work out in the end. It's hard to see that when you're in the thick of it, but I need to believe that it'll all work out, cause it has to.

I'm sorry I haven't really been myself lately, there's a lot going on. But I will try to be back to my old self as much as I can as soon as I can. Be patient, and don't stop being there.

Wow ... it's ending

2005-04-03T03:44:00.000-06:00

I came to a realization tonight that is very scary. It's almost over. And I am not ready for it, not even close. In 28 days I will be gone, things will be different and there isn't anything I can do to change that. I don't feel like I've accomplished what I wanted to this year yet, and I KNOW that I'm not where I thought I'd be when I came into this year. So much has changed, and I feel so empty about everything. I think I can honestly say that nothing has turned out the way I thought it would over the past 8 months. I have 28 days to change that. I have 28 days to do what I should have done while I had the chance. 28 days to try and make a difference. 28 days to apologize and 28 days to forgive. So much is going to change when that 28 days is up, and I'm not sure I am ready for that quite yet.

I know I'm not ready for that.

There's so much to say, so much to do, and so much to try. But will the time ever be there to act, to talk, to be the support, to mend the broken ties?? There has to be.

28 days is not long enough, and I'm scared to walk away from this feeling that nothing has changed. Feeling that nothing done this year has made an impact. Feeling that I've screwed up too many times. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Maybe I can make a comeback. Maybe just maybe these 28 days will be different .....

Yeah right.

Music always makes much more sense

2005-04-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

So for the past while, I have been listening to this band called the Exies. There's a song that I listen to a lot by them that says what I've been feeling a lot of lately much better than I think I have been able to. Take a read, cause it probably makes more sense than I have been lately.

Where did i go wrong
Cant look you in the eye
Feeling so ashamed
Feels like i could die

Hold me up, dont let go
I've had enough
Im tired of breathing
Tired of feeling
Tired of looking at the past for meaning
Tired of running
Tired of searching
Tired of trying
But im not tired of you

Losing everything
Its something i cant face
Hope is on the run
Its something i cant fake

Hold me up, dont let go
Ive had enough
Im tired of breathing
Tired of feeling
Tired of looking at the past for meaning
Tired of running
Tired of searching
Tired of tryingBut im not tired of you

I want to feel a change
I dont mind if it huirts
You take away the pain
Youre the only thing thats pure

Hold me up, dont let go
Ive had enough
Im tired of breathing
Tired of feeling
Tired of looking at the past for meaning
Tired of running
Tired of searching
Tired of trying
But im not tired of you

Late nights ... waiting

2005-03-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

Stop ignoring me. Don't leave me out in the cold. I'm here. I exist. I'm not going anywhere. Not unless you give up completely. Don't run in the opposite direction. It doesn't solve anything.

Short. To the point. If only real life were that easy.

Friends ... The one thing you can really count on

2005-03-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what would come of us all if one event changed. If I had accepted the scholarship from Nipissing and not boarded a plane to the U of A so much of my life would be different. Would things have worked out with the guy from Ontario and put me in the same place that so many of my friends are now? But when thoughts like this start rolling through my head, I remember that I am here for a reason. I think of all the amazing people I have met and befriended here, the friendships that I will cherish and hopefully, in most cases, have for the rest of my life. I think of the heartbreak, both here and there, and know that it has made me who I am today, and I know that I am a different person than the one that tearfully boarded that plane in August 2003, and I am so glad that I did.

Over the past two years I have met a number of great people, and I hope you know who you are. The late night chats till 5am, random phone calls to make me feel better, a small bouquet of tulips when I'm homesick ... I couldn't have asked for a better group of friends.

For the ones I left at home, you're in my hearts, I will never forget you. Especially the one who is always there for me when I need you. You know who you are, I can talk to you about anything, and I hope that you know that you can call me whenever you need me too. (Thanks for taking care of me even when we're so far apart).

I'm not sure how much sense this makes to someone who is reading this and has no idea what I'm talking about, but know this. There will be people in your life who you will love, not in a romantic way, but in a I can't picture my life without you kind of way. Cherish them, these are the people that you can always count on to be there, the ones who know you inside out, even if you don't think they do. Friends are the only family you get to choose, choose wisely, and love them no matter what. You guys mean the world to me, thanks for always being there.

when no one else is around ... I can count on a keyboard and faceless counsellor

2005-03-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Just as everything seems to be going really well, I forget the most important lesson of all and screw it all up. God has been teaching me a lot about patience and waiting on his timing this year ... too bad I never listen. This has been a week that if I had the opportunity to do over again, I would run in the opposite direction. Not that I would really change anything, I would just flat out not do it over again. There are so many things happening right now I can't keep up with it all, and it's starting to take it's toll on me. And what's worse, the only people I feel like I can talk to about it aren't around to talk about it, or I screwed everything up and well, you get the picture. So here I am, writing to some random people thru my computer, who knows, maybe it will help get some of this weight off of my shoulders. So this may not make sense, but really, do I ever??

"It's in the hands of fate, there's nothing I can do; it might be tomorrow or the one that follows, I've got the rest of my life to look forward to"

"Trying hard to reach out, but when I tried to speak out it felt like no one could hear me"

Home is so far away, it's hard to sit on the couch to be hugged by the ones you love while you have a good cry or laugh when there are prairies, a few of the Great Lakes and the Canadian Shield between you. You have to create your own family from those people that God puts in your life to get you thru the tough spots. But sometimes, it's not enough. Sometimes you just need that person who knows you better than yourself, who knows where you've been and what you've done and knows exactly what you need. There are only a couple people I feel I could talk like that with. And whether it be due to physical or emotional distance, I can't talk to either of them. I miss that.

"May be surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone, just wanna go home"

The part that hurts the most though is when people start pushing you away. I respect that maybe once in a while people need their own space, but for goodness sake TELL me! And please, please, please, don't lie about it or anything else for that matter. Lies hurt worse than the truth, and honesty is a big part of trust (which is the HUGEST thing for me). Just talk to me about it rather than hiding everything. Don't push me away, I don't think it's worth it.

This hasn't really made much sense, mostly cause well, I'm not making much sense of everything right now, but it is a place to put everything down.

I'm sorry.

You think you know ...

2005-03-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

You think you know people. You think you know them really well. And then something happens. This happens all too often. Things go well, then it hits. The realization that people are not always who they appear to be. Lies are told and secrets are shared and it's hard to get back to where you were before. If I can make one recommendation to whomever is reading this little tidbit it would be this ... don't make people feel like they can trust you if they can't. Honesty is the key to any friendship and when that is broken it hurts, even worse when they don't care and try to keep on going as though nothing ever happened, pretending that you don't know how much they have hurt you. I'd say something like "you lose a good friend", but let's be honest, if they couldn't keep things that you told them in confidence to themselves, were they ever even that good a friend. I think the answer is No. You think you know people, but in the end, you don't.

A Sacred Place....

2005-03-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

"Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in onto the crashing waves. To step out of my comfort zone into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is and He's holding out His hand. But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed, the waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!", "You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor wishing they'd have had the strength to stand. But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed, the giant keeps on telling me time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!", "You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground and the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them lookin' down I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"

When nothing makes sense anymore, and when people keep telling you things that you really don't want to hear, there is only one voice that I really want to listen to, but really can't hear. One that I know wants me to hear it so that I can stop being scared about what might happen, one that wants to hold onto me when my heart is being trampled on and it seems like there's no way out. I may never win the fight, but someone else will. Someone greater. Love triumphs all, right? That's what they've told us since we were kids. Why can't I just stop listening to all the other voices. When I don't think I can win the battle, and when people keep telling me that I can't win, I need to remember that I'm not the one fighting. He's holding out his hand. Take it. Listen.

Silence....

2005-02-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

Silence is golden. At least that's what people keep telling me. But what happens when the silence stops you from doing the one thing that makes the world disappear, the one thing that truly relaxes you, the one thing that connects you to God like nothing else does. Music is what keeps me going, it's what keeps me sane, and if I don't have that, what am I going to do? Silence is golden, but how much is gold really worth?

The Waiting Game

2005-02-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

Patience is a virtue that I tend to lack a great deal in. When you've been waiting for so long, it's so hard to remember that God's timing isn't ours. But we're still looking for immediate answers. It's crazy! I'm crazy. I'm tired of waiting. But I know that if I wait patiently and humbly that when I turn the corner, you'll be there, and I will have wondered what took so long, but I more so I will look forward to walking around the next corner with you. Wait for me. Patience is a virtue that I think we need to work on.

What do you do when the world won't stop spinning...

2005-01-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

What do you do when everything seems to be going wrong? When the world won't stop moving and you seem to lose your footing at every step? When that feeling of being so overwhelmed just hits you and you can't catch your breath, who do you turn to? Whose hand do you hold? When life gets so complicated you can't find your way out of the maze, who do you turn to if the only people you love and trust enough are thousands of miles away? When the world shuts you down, how do you get started again?

There are so many questions and not a single answer, not a single thing. There is no one to hug you when you cry yourself to sleep. There is no one to listen when your heart needs to speak. There is no one to help pick up the pieces as your life falls apart.

So what do you do? Do you quit? Could you quit? Would you quit? Can I? The thoughts that run through my head are so strong. But do I let it give in, do I let my worn out soul take over for my tired body and just quit now? Do I keep on plugging and letting my soul run dry? It takes a lot out of you when you're thinking this way. So how do I make it stop? STOP.

Back to Basics

2004-12-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

Way back in the days of elementary school, I subscribed to a magazine called Brio. The Christmas issue contained a story about the birth of Jesus Christ that focused on "what REALLY matters." I didn't quite understand at the time, but something told me to hold onto this story. As I got older I developed an appreciation for it, Take a few minutes and rediscover the reality of Christmas. Never forget the lessons learned when we look at the real picture...

"To point you in the right direction, take a peek at the Christmas story one more time. Only this time, let’s make it a little more real, graphic, basic.

For the census, the holy family has to travel 85 miles. Joseph walks, while Mary, nine months pregnant, rides sidesaddle on a donkey, feeling every jolt, every rut, every rock in the road. By the time they arrive, the hamlet of Bethlehem is swollen from an influx of travelers. The inn is packed, people feeling lucky if they were able to negotiate even a small space on the floor. Now it’s late, everyone is asleep, and there is no room.

But fortunately, the innkeeper isn’t all shekels and mites. True, his stable is crowded with his guests’ animals, but if Joseph and Mary could squeeze out a little privacy there, they were welcome to it. Joseph looks over at Mary, whose attention is concentrated on fighting a contraction. “We’ll take it,” he tells the innkeeper without hesitation. The night is still when Joseph creaks open the stable door. As he does, a chorus of barn animals makes discordant note of the intrusion. The stench is pungent and humid, as there have not been enough hours in the day to tend the guests, let alone the livestock. A small oil lamp, lent them by the innkeeper, flickers to dance shadows on the walls. A disquieting place for a woman in the throes of childbirth.

Far from home.

Far from family.

Far from what she had expected for her firstborn.

But Mary makes no complaint. It’s a relief just to finally get off the donkey. She leans back against the wall, her feet swollen, back aching, contractions growing stronger and closer together. Joseph’s eyes dart around the stable. Not a minute to lose. Quickly. A feeding trough would have to make do for a crib. Hay would serve as a mattress. Blankets? Blankets? Ah, his robe. That would do. And those rags hung out to dry would help. A gripping contraction doubles Mary over and sends him racing for a bucket of water.

The birth would not be easy, either for the mother or the child. Every royal privilege for this son ended at conception. A scream from Mary knifes through the calm of that silent night. Joseph returns, breathless, water sloshing from the leather bucket. The top of the baby’s head has already pushed its way into the world. Sweat pours from Mary’s contorted face as Joseph, the most unlikely midwife in all Judea, rushes to her side. The involuntary contractions are not enough, and Mary has to push with all her strength, almost as if God were refusing to come into the world without help. Joseph places a garment beneath her, and with a final push and a long sigh her labor is over.

The Messiah has arrived.

Elongated head from the constricting journey through the birth canal. Light skin, as the pigment would take days or even weeks to surface. Mucus in his ears and nostrils. Wet and slippery from the amniotic fluid. The Son of the Most High God umbilically tied to a lowly Jewish girl. The baby chokes and coughs. Joseph instinctively turns him over and clears his throat. Then he cries. Mary bares her breast and reaches for the shivering baby. She lays him on her chest, and his helpless cries subside. His tiny head bobs around on the unfamiliar terrain. This will be the first thing the infant-king learns. Mary can feel his racing heartbeat as he gropes to nurse.
Deity nursing from a young maiden’s breast. Could anything be more puzzling — or more profound?

Joseph sits exhausted, silent, full of wonder.

The baby finishes and sighs, the divine Word reduced to a few unintelligible sounds. Then, for the first time, his eyes fix on his mother’s. Deity straining to focus. The Light of the World, squinting. Tears pool in her eyes. She touches his tiny hand. And hands that once sculpted mountain ranges cling to her finger. She looks up at Joseph, and through a watery veil, their souls touch. He crowds closer, cheek to cheek with his betrothed. Together they stare in awe at the baby Jesus, whose heavy eyelids begin to close. It has been a long journey. The King is tired.
And so, with barely a ripple of notice, God stepped into the warm lake of humanity. Without protocol and without pretension. Where you would have expected angels, there were only flies. Where you would have expected heads of state, there were only donkeys, a few haltered cows, a nervous group of sheep, a tethered camel and a furtive scurry of curious barn mice. Except for Joseph, there was no one to share Mary’s pain. Or her joy. Yes, there were angels announcing the Savior’s arrival — but only to a band of blue-collar shepherds. And yes, a magnificent star shone in the sky to mark His birthplace — but only three foreigners bothered to look up and follow it.

Thus is the little town of Bethlehem . . . that one silent night . . . the royal birth of God’s Son tiptoed quietly by . . . as the world slept."

http://www.briomag.com/briomagazine/spiritualhealth/a0000903.html

A New Era has begun...

2004-12-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well now, I decided to jump on the band wagon ... after all, we all need an outlet for thoughts and this way it's faster and easier on my address book than sending updates and thoughts via email to the almost 100 names on my mailing list. I'll put thoughts, stories, and maybe even some pictures if you get lucky...